Are you supporting your partner too much?

Are you supporting your partner too much?

A new study claims that too much support may actually create more harm than good for your marriage. TOI explores...

For 42-year-old Ashutosh Narayan his business venture never really took off because his wife never questioned his plans. Says he, "My wife's unconditional support in my decision to start a business venture seemed very inspiring at the beginning, but in due course of time, I realised that I could not work my way through because there was no one to criticise or maybe point out flaws in the decisions that I took. With time the business never took off and I lost a lot of money."

Supporting your partner may seem to be the right thing to do, especially when your spouse is going through a tough phase or you have unconditional belief in him or her. But a recent research by the University of Iowa, US claims that excessive support may actually do more harm than good to your marriage.

One often tends to think that if your partner really knows you and loves you, he or she will know that you are upset and will know how to help you. But according to the researchers, that's not the best way to approach your marriage.

It may lead to a bad marriage
As strange as it may sound, but receiving more support than desired is a greater risk factor for marital decline as opposed to not being there for your spouse. Says relationship expert Seema Hingorrany "When you try to support your partner more than you should, it leads to unwanted irritation and may even hamper your partner's identity in the long run. For example, you may be there for your partner in times of need, but your partner may take it otherwise and think you are just sympathising with her or him. Thus, it is best to let your partner at time solve their issues on their own."

When you end up parenting your spouse
Hingorrany feels that when you start supporting each other too much in a relationship, instead of being a spouse/partner, you end up being a parent. Says she, "Often couples tend to parent each other by going out of their way to be there for their better half all the time. You must learn to identify when you should support and when you should not."

It creates misunderstandings 
According to several studies, giving too much informational support, usually in the form of an unwanted advice may be most detrimental to your relationship. So only when asked for help on a certain problem should you approach your partner, rather than intruding and making way for misinterpretation. Says Vaidehi Agarwal, 28-year-old housewife, "My husband is so supportive that at times I get very irritated with him and this leads to several fights between the two of us."

5 ways to create the right balance
If you've already gone overboard with your support and don't know how to address the issue, here's how you can do it
- It is very important to learn the process of awareness and detachment
- Work on boundary management in your marriage
- Remember never to go overboard with your concern
- Work on your own helping impulses
- Concentrate on other things apart from your spouse. Don't obsess over them
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